Understanding Envy: The Emotion No One Wants to Admit
Envy is one of those emotions we rarely talk about — at least not openly. It's uncomfortable, often shameful, and easy to deny. But envy is also deeply human. Like all emotions, it has a message to deliver. The real challenge isn’t in pretending it doesn’t exist — it’s in understanding what it's trying to tell us.
What Is Envy, Really?
Envy arises when we perceive that someone else has something we lack — and wish we had. That "something" might be material (a house, a car), social (popularity, influence), or internal (confidence, talent, beauty). It’s often accompanied by feelings of inferiority, resentment, or a sharp sense of injustice. Importantly, envy is not the same as jealousy. While jealousy involves a fear of losing something you already have (like a partner’s attention), envy is rooted in the absence of something you never possessed in the first place.
"Envy is the art of counting the other fellow's blessings instead of your own." — Harold Coffin
The Two Faces of Envy
Envy isn’t just one flavour. It can be distinguished into two types:
Malicious Envy: This is the version we tend to associate with the word. It comes with a desire to bring the other person down — or to see them lose what they have.
Thoughts such as, “Why should they have that? They don’t deserve it.”
This kind of envy corrodes relationships and can lead to bitterness or passive-aggressiveness,
Benign Envy: This form is less toxic and can actually be motivating. It can push us to grow, improve, or chase goals we didn’t know we wanted.
Thoughts such as,“I want that too — and I’m going to work for it.”
Here, envy highlights values or dreams we've neglected or underestimated.
Why We Feel Envy
At its core, envy is a reaction to comparison. And in today’s hyper-visual, social media-saturated world, comparisons are constant and unavoidable. Every scroll through Instagram or LinkedIn can be a reminder of what others seem to have — curated lifestyles, career wins, perfect families. But envy isn’t just about what others have. It’s also about what we believe we’re lacking. It reflects our insecurities and unmet desires. Envy thrives where self-worth is shaky.
The Hidden Wisdom of Envy
Envy can be a window into our values — and our pain.
Do you envy your friend’s creative freedom? Maybe you’ve been silencing your artistic side.
Do you envy someone’s success? Maybe you’ve internalized a fear that your own goals aren’t achievable.
If we can sit with envy long enough to listen to it — rather than push it away — it can reveal powerful insights. It might point us toward what we truly want or need to heal.
How to Deal With Envy in a Healthy Way
Acknowledge it without judgment. You’re not a bad person for feeling envy. You’re a human being with dreams, doubts, and a social brain.
Get curious. What exactly are you envying? What does that thing represent to you?
Shift from comparison to inspiration. Turn envy into fuel. Can you use it to motivate change or growth?
Practice gratitude. It’s not about pretending you have everything — it’s about recognizing what you do have, and nurturing a mindset of sufficiency.
Limit toxic comparison triggers. Social media isn’t always the problem, but curating your feed and your inputs can make a big difference.
Envy is messy — but it’s also a mirror. It can show us the parts of ourselves that are aching for attention, or the dreams we’ve buried under fear and self-doubt. Instead of denying envy, we can meet it with honesty, curiosity, and compassion. When we stop hiding from envy, we take back the power it once held over us.