Meeting the Shadow: The Parts of Yourself You’ve Been Avoiding
Every man has a side of himself he doesn’t want to look at — the anger he can’t explain, the jealousy he feels ashamed of, the fears he hides behind humour or control.
That side has a name: the shadow self.
You can’t see it, but it shapes your reactions, your relationships, and the way you move through the world. And until you face it, it quietly runs the show.
What Is the Shadow Self?
The term “shadow self” comes from Swiss psychologist Carl Jung, who described it as the collection of parts of ourselves we reject or suppress — the emotions, desires, and traits that don’t fit the image of who we think we’re “supposed” to be.
Your shadow might include things like:
Anger, competitiveness, or aggression
Insecurity or fear of failure
Need for control or validation
Jealousy, lust, or resentment
Shame, sadness, or emotional neediness
These parts don’t disappear just because we ignore them — they go underground, influencing us from the dark. The more we deny them, the more power they have.
How Men Learn to Hide Their Shadow
Most men are taught from early on that certain feelings aren’t acceptable. Don’t cry. Don’t be scared. Don’t show weakness.
So those feelings don’t go away — they get buried. A boy who’s shamed for being sensitive learns to hide vulnerability. A man who’s punished for anger learns to push it down until it erupts later as rage or bitterness.
Over time, men build what looks like control — but it’s really suppression. And what we suppress in ourselves, we often project onto others.
“I’m not angry — he’s the problem.”
“I’m not insecure — she’s too demanding.”
That’s the shadow at work.
The Cost of Ignoring the Shadow
When we deny parts of ourselves, they don’t vanish — they leak out in ways we don’t expect. Unchecked, the shadow can lead to:
Sudden bursts of anger or resentment
Addictive behaviours (to numb or distract)
Relationship breakdowns
Perfectionism or control issues
Feeling empty, disconnected, or restless
It’s not that you’re broken — it’s that you’ve split off from parts of yourself that need to be seen.
How to Work With Your Shadow (Not Against It)
Facing your shadow isn’t about judging yourself — it’s about getting honest. The goal isn’t to get rid of the shadow, but to integrate it — to bring it into awareness so it no longer controls you from the dark.
Here’s how to start:
Notice your triggers. When something or someone really gets under your skin, ask why. Often, they’re reflecting a part of you that’s hidden.
Name what you feel. Anger, jealousy, fear — give it a name. Naming brings light.
Drop the shame. Everyone has a shadow. It doesn’t make you bad — it makes you human.
Journal or reflect. Write down the parts of yourself you avoid. What are you afraid people might see?
Talk it through. Therapy, men’s groups, or honest conversations with friends can help you see what you can’t see on your own.
Own your story. Once you acknowledge your shadow, it loses its grip. You can choose how to act — not just react.
Light and Shadow: Two Sides of Strength
Here’s the paradox: your shadow isn’t just the worst of you — it also holds your untapped strength. Your anger might hold your courage.
Your jealousy might point to your deepest desires. Your sadness may reveal what you truly care about.
When you integrate your shadow, you stop living in denial and start living in wholeness. You become a man who isn’t afraid of himself — and that’s real power.
The Takeaway
Every man has a shadow. Pretending it isn’t there doesn’t make it disappear — it just makes it louder. The work is to bring it into the light with honesty and compassion. Because the man who faces his shadow doesn’t become darker — He becomes whole.